Sunshin3

The puffiness of the eyes is a dead give away of the tears that flowed last night.

There I was, in his arms, as always. His steady composure, his strong arms, the whiff of his scent. And I was brawling. Like a young child who lost her sweet or favourite toy.

His unassuming demeanour and constant reassurances left me vulnerable.

I went to cry in the living room, without him knowing so that i wouldn’t disrupt whatever he was doing and I would have successfully pulled it off if he wasn’t that observant to my sniffles when I entered the bedroom to retire for the night.

Strong women are equally emotional, if not more, than the weaker ones.

There is no one conclusive reason for my emotional weakness yesterday evening but I guess perhaps, it’s the stress that my initial plans weren’t going ahead as it should have been. I thought I had it worked out but it backfired.

Hearing his steadied snoring and feeling the bulk of his unguarded movements when he’s asleep, i lie awake and comforted by the man who made me his bolster on nights like this. His warmth and cuddles assured me of his love and security.

I know he loves me and i love him too.

Yet i can’t help but feel that i’ve been unfaithful to him at times and it feels worse after the talk I had with another guy in my life the night before.

I know myself, that i have one, two many loves.

I don’t like to be in this position and I do not know of any one who would desire to be in my shoes either.

To have to think and choose is a relative simple concept of decision-making but our familiarity with our comfort zones threaten the basis of our precarious assumptions.

It was another night of me, myself and hypocritical I.

Dear Theophilus Sean Goh Kang Yu,

Please don’t ask me why your mummy chose that name for you.

Count yourself fortunate to be born into the family of Christ, and to the lucky parents, Steve Goh and Thio Lay See.

Coming in at 2.41am this morning and weighing 3.44kg, you certainly ensured a smooth and quick delivery for your mummy within an hour of her burst water bag.

Your eyes winked at this cousin of yours and i’m glad you didn’t drool on me although i’m not too sure why you greeted me with a fart when i carried you.

Ah well, that’s part of the package i suppose.

Welcome to the Family!

Love,
Your cousin

“I only wish i had the strength to show..”

A phrase adapted from the popular hit, Can’t Fight This Feeling by the Speedwagon.

I can’t explain the emotion i am experiencing except perhaps association with anger within. Is it even truly anger to begin with? I have begun questioning myself.

It’s illogical for me to be angry and i cannot tell or figure out the motivation that is driving this supposed anger.

The neglect? The expectation? Or the work? Or maybe the personal irritating phone calls today? Or is it simply pms?

I wish i knew and that would have made it a lot easier to deal with.

Fuck, he doesn’t know that i teared after my phone call with him. It is the frustration that i don’t know what i’m feeling anymore especially when i rationalise so many things.

Old boy tells me that Thumper has re-opened after a long hiatus with some spanking new facilities like a biometric payment system. Once the winner of the Nightspot of the Year, i guess it seemed only natural for the new management to capitalise on the brand that the old-Thumper had already established previously.

A pity he found it boring and left the place before 1am. At least, it’s way much better than me leaving Zouk at 10.30pm on a Friday night.

Well, what can i say? I’m not a clubbing junkie.

On a slightly different note, i cannot get Square Rooms out of my head.

[youtube=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyZHXVJ9hp4″]

shelled [,”] honestly, dahling, I don’t give a shit says:
only got 1.5 bottles of milk ok
shelled [,”] honestly, dahling, I don’t give a shit says:
LOL
sunshin3 says:
hahaha
shelled [,”] honestly, dahling, I don’t give a shit says:
hahaha
sunshin3 says:
haha, milk supply regulated huh
sunshin3 says:
no more expresso man
shelled [,”] honestly, dahling, I don’t give a shit says:
hahaha
sunshin3 says:
haha
shelled [,”] honestly, dahling, I don’t give a shit says:
milk on regulated tap
sunshin3 says:
woot
shelled [,”] honestly, dahling, I don’t give a shit says:
muahahaha

The stars were in alignment last night.

Just when i thought of cooking a sumptuous meal for myself, Old boy gave me a call and told me he was coming home for dinner. It was a good thing i had done some grocery shopping beforehand and last night, he was a well-fed and an extremely happy boy.

I’ve got four days of medical leave and i have to make myself useful what!

He looks really yummilicious when he’s sleeping cos his hair is all tousled up and his lips don’t close all the way so it looks as if he’s smiling when he’s sleeping.

If not for the spotting that just occurred again, i swear i would have jumped on top and rode him like no tomorrow.

Thank god for my fortitude.

It’s really rare for him to leave the office before the sky darkens but in any case, the recent state of events have propelled me to asseverate that i cannot be a housewife.

Not because i cannot cook or i cannot maintain a house in proper order, but i think i’ll get bored of it pretty fast.

Sure it’s nice to make breakfast for your loved one, and pack what he needs, help him with his cufflinks, give him a kiss before he leaves for work, do the housework, wash the clothes blah blah.

But after a while, i’m back to checking and replying office emails and working from home. If i had no work life to begin with or perhaps, a baby to take care of, i’ll probably go schizophrenic.

There are certain things that i don’t tell you, certain parts of conversations that i deliberately leave out of reach, away from your ears.

It is something that i have learnt over the months with George, a side effect from understanding his thought process.

When you started asking me whether i loved you, it made me wonder if i did anything to disquiet the stability in our relationship and i know i probably did by seeing Max and by being intimate with him. I never wanted to hurt you again and i also questioned myself if i did my best to assure you that i loved you but my actions were probably insufficient to put your mind and heart at ease.

You are after all, beyond a certain age. Having gone through enough life experiences, you are well aware that i am afraid of telling you how much i love you and how much i want you in my life precisely because i think it doesn’t help you emotionally by knowing.

Love and Maturity form the basis of my thought processes with you. For each action that is expressed out and words that come out from me, i ask myself beforehand if it’s a loving action, whether it helps you emotionally, does it disrupt your stability and functionality?

I just want you to be happy, in ways that i know might make you happy. I help you with work, i help you with chores, i try not to irritate you and i do it all willingly for you. It may seem irrational by cleaning up your place at night but it isn’t to me because i know you prefer working and living in a clean environment.

I really do love you, in no ways lesser than how much she loves you, i am sure. It’s just that i am not as selfish as how other women probably are, but i also find myself unable to give you up without fighting for you.

Some how, this incident with Max has cast a different light on our expectations of each other.

Just as i want more of you, you seem to want more of me too. It may not be what you could be thinking of, but that is what has been portrayed to me by you and i perceived it as. Sure, i feel good as your woman that you love me deeply and mean it sincerely as well but it throws me off-course because it sets a course for higher expectations.

And i don’t want to set myself up for a train collision if the intended future isn’t the intended future.

To be fair, i know that you and i always discuss the worse case scenario and i wince each time that comes up but then again, it is a pain that i have to endure because i chose to be with you.

I don’t want to see you torn which is why i have never addressed this issue with you personally but in every sense, i think my inner circle of friends are right.

I could be with you, through it all. I made a choice to love you and be with you, regardless of the circumstances of our relationship.

But at the end of the day, a decision does have to be made.

Complications did occur during the operation even though i said it went well. I was charged more for some additional surgical instruments used as well as the additional anaesthetic that had to be administered onto me because their one dosage of general anaesthetic coupled with the mask of sedation wasn’t powerful enough to knock me off to sleep.

Which explains why i have been given four days of medical leave.

Nonetheless, the pain is tolerable. The cramps and bleeding aren’t that bad as i thought although i must say that the painkillers helped.

I just don’t like the fact that the painkillers have to be stuffed up my ass.

It was really wonderful having the support of my friends and especially my best bud who was with me from the time of my operation till i left the hospital. And i know how appreciative Old boy is that she was there because he couldn’t be with me.

The op has not changed the relationship between us. In fact, i love him more than ever.

And he sleeps soundly like a child.

Good bye Emmanuel, mommy will always love you.

Warning: NSFW.. and i mean it.

If there’s a good thing about the pregnancy, it’s that my breasts have grown fuller and my nipples are a lot more sensitive to touch.

Speaking of which, i am extremely frisky after a build up of intense sexual frustration with Old boy over the days i was at his place.

It could have been the deliberate lack of speed induction to propel me to orgasmic pleasures by his deft fingers and tongue and anything else, or the animalistic nature of one night where i was coerced to submission or it could just simply be the g-string that i’m wearing.

Whatever the reason, it is a fervent desire and a need to consummate this raging fire within.

I swear i go ballistic each time he pops a mint into his mouth and licks me.

Should i rape him or should i tease him slow and hard? Shall i lick his ears first or should i attack his more erogenous zones first? Do we take a shower first or jump straight into bed? Should i ride his shaft and watch his facial expressions or should we do it in the scissors position? Or shall we erm… explore his prostate gland?

*devilish glint*

My thoughts have run wild with each passing minute and the man has made it worse by not responding whether i’m getting some tonight.

Grrr…

I guess it’s just you and me, baby.

The doc has assured me that my sex life will not be affected in any way after tomorrow’s operation even with the cervix dilation although i am supposed to wait for one week before any sexual activity can resume.

Yes, i can be that shallow.