Sunshin3

There are certain things that i don’t tell you, certain parts of conversations that i deliberately leave out of reach, away from your ears.

It is something that i have learnt over the months with George, a side effect from understanding his thought process.

When you started asking me whether i loved you, it made me wonder if i did anything to disquiet the stability in our relationship and i know i probably did by seeing Max and by being intimate with him. I never wanted to hurt you again and i also questioned myself if i did my best to assure you that i loved you but my actions were probably insufficient to put your mind and heart at ease.

You are after all, beyond a certain age. Having gone through enough life experiences, you are well aware that i am afraid of telling you how much i love you and how much i want you in my life precisely because i think it doesn’t help you emotionally by knowing.

Love and Maturity form the basis of my thought processes with you. For each action that is expressed out and words that come out from me, i ask myself beforehand if it’s a loving action, whether it helps you emotionally, does it disrupt your stability and functionality?

I just want you to be happy, in ways that i know might make you happy. I help you with work, i help you with chores, i try not to irritate you and i do it all willingly for you. It may seem irrational by cleaning up your place at night but it isn’t to me because i know you prefer working and living in a clean environment.

I really do love you, in no ways lesser than how much she loves you, i am sure. It’s just that i am not as selfish as how other women probably are, but i also find myself unable to give you up without fighting for you.

Some how, this incident with Max has cast a different light on our expectations of each other.

Just as i want more of you, you seem to want more of me too. It may not be what you could be thinking of, but that is what has been portrayed to me by you and i perceived it as. Sure, i feel good as your woman that you love me deeply and mean it sincerely as well but it throws me off-course because it sets a course for higher expectations.

And i don’t want to set myself up for a train collision if the intended future isn’t the intended future.

To be fair, i know that you and i always discuss the worse case scenario and i wince each time that comes up but then again, it is a pain that i have to endure because i chose to be with you.

I don’t want to see you torn which is why i have never addressed this issue with you personally but in every sense, i think my inner circle of friends are right.

I could be with you, through it all. I made a choice to love you and be with you, regardless of the circumstances of our relationship.

But at the end of the day, a decision does have to be made.