Sunshin3

For the first time in my life, i actually felt the tremors from my office building at 7.15pm in the evening of the 8.4 quake.

My colleagues and i weren’t affected as badly (10th floor) as my mom who was perched on the 15th floor of StanChart Bank.

She said she could heard the windows cracking.

Well, it won’t be soon before long like what the geologists all predict.

The jury is out.

Understanding my emotions has never been easy for me, much less articulating them out but I have learnt in the course of my writing.

For an extreme left brainer, the blog was one of my ways to experiment with emotional connections and for the past two years of intense blog writing, I have managed to get in touch with that.

Through my writings, I saw my own thought process and through my relationships with people, I saw angles that I never knew were possible.

The side effect of it was that I found out how to condition people’s minds and perceptions and the sad part of it too was that I realize we live in a world full of cowardice.

Someone wiser once told me before that we’re all judgmental freaks from young but I refused to believe it until I dealt with it.

As I come to a close, I have to admit that he was right.

Believe it or not, my writings were purposely paced in such a way that it dealt with extremes. From writing about God and living the life for Him to a sudden disengagement and writing about sex, I have faced backlash and I know of many who cannot reconcile with what they have read and with me being me.

Many bloggers write about their personal experiences and it is like an outflow of motivation as they have that experience to tap into it but for someone whose emotional reception is impaired since young, can she really fully understand what others are going through and be able to write it out for them with the same intensity as they went through?

To illustrate further, you drink water from the tap because that’s where water comes out from. If you don’t even have the means to the water, can you possibly get the water to drink?

I can put myself in other people’s shoes. It’s not a problem but am I able to safely say that I really understand innately their emotional state when I cannot even guarantee my own feelings towards my personal matters?

The blog doesn’t make us who we are and time and time again, I have always reiterated that human interaction is vital to maintain any relationship and not everything written is truthful in its right. If we know that what we see on tv isn’t real, why can’t we adopt the same approach towards blogs?

I rest my case.

Nevertheless, this experiment has also shed light on our defensive mechanisms.

The majority of the Singaporeans in particular, avoid communication if very much possible. Instead of being vocal and inquisitive like our counterparts overseas, we shun human interaction and if there is anything outwardly differently, we don’t query. We much prefer hiding behind the screens of technology and we call that mature because we’re ignoring a potential rise of conflict.

It’s just a crappy excuse.

If it is a relationship that matters to you, why should you avoid conflict? Do you keep quiet if your loved one hurts you?

You don’t right?

So why is it that difficult to just pop up a chat even and communicate?

I always appreciated some of my close friends whom I know, would pick up the phone and give me a holler or email me if they spotted anything different on the blog. That’s called friendship, that’s a relationship and that’s also maturity because it indicates a brain and a desire for truth.

If we cannot even deal with conflict that arises through the net to begin with, how can we deal with interpersonal conflicts?

I have said enough and I have written enough.

And as I head on to my next writing project (an autobiography), I know that I have understood a richer level of human emotions to write it out.

God bless this process.

Amen.

His words echoed and forever etched in my mind.

Part of me feels that the meet-up was a mistake. He was still playing the same mind games, the games that once hurt my psychological and emotional state.

And I thought that one year apart could do the both of us good.

Out of the four, he is the only one whom I am more familiar with for we were ex-school mates and he should theoretically stand a higher chance yet when his hand caressed my cheek, I realize that it was over.

It felt empty.

“I’m sorry, I cannot accept this.”

This time round, there’s no Charlotte affecting me. I make my own decisions.

(more…)

I pushed the blue box aside.

Crystal clear and shiny with its engraving, it was more than just a momento. It signified his intention and the importance to him.

Four men, two marriage proposals, one choice.

And i have made mine.

It’s her last day today and the last days for our ex-colleagues are usually of a celebratory nature but not this time round for me.

Perhaps it’s the heat, or the frustration with the renovations next door or perhaps it’s the knowledge that i’m in a shitty situation.

The kind where when shit happens, they all come at one shot.

And I guess the title is the most appropriate explanation i can derive at this stage.

Let’s hope the weekend makes it better.

The afternoon coffee break was a good and brief respite from the thoughts of friskiness.

Work’s been busy, coupled with her resignation which the Board and I have discussed through many times. Yes, it couldn’t have come at a bad time but that’s well, a fact of life isn’t it?

The numerous calls and discussions during office hours and after office hours are enough to torture anyone’s mental capacity. Somehow, her resignation has cast a light on their employment process and the Board has been making my work life busy by inundating me with questions like “should we go ahead and interview?” or “what are the qualities that you think we should look out for?”

Hence, the term ‘emotional blackmail’.

I don’t handle HR aspects at all, for crying out loud.

In my personal opinion, at the end of the day, she is an adult and she makes her own choices. I am not a negotiator nor am i a salesman capable of persuasion.

People leave companies, just like people leaving our lives.

It’s another fact of life and you can’t change that.

Update: Haha, LMD-lookalike just told me that she also tendered her resignation but it was rejected.

Imagine coming home all fired and sexed up from dealing with emotional blackmail at work and a driving instructor who is unclear in his communication, and to find your loved one dead asleep like a log from medication and chronic fatigue, incapable of rendering any action or any talk.

To make matters more challenging, he has taken the whole bed for himself with his unguarded movements so it leaves you with no choice except to sleep on the couch in your negligee no less, with no idea when your other roommate is coming back home too.

And to snuggle was what I needed most.

I feel like the man who has to sleep in the living room because the wife throws him out and that’s after he has done whatever he can to appease her.

It sucks to be a victim of your own thoughts and preliminary responses to call Shelly or Bernard for comfort were squashed as it was really late in the night. You have no idea how much I wish I could throw some hoops or dance to shake the disease off ala Depeche Mode.

Despite the appearance that my greatest difficulty with him seems to be his stamina, it’s actually getting him to wake up.

Believe me, I’ve tried pretty much every thing except giving him a blow job.

From tugging at him, to kissing his cheeks or stroking his hair, or the ever simple calling him to wake up, it just doesn’t work. The most he does is move around and whimper slightly, before he dozes off again.

Conceding defeat is a lot easier in this instance.

And the bad day continues..

Negligees should come with warning labels.

“Wear only when sleep is undesired.”

Or,

“Warning! Danger to health!”

“Romance comes in many forms;
Mine comes in socks.

Nah, the salesmen just threw them in for free.

Hehe.

Love,
Sunshin3″

That was I wrote in the card for him. I can be very cheesy but that’s part of the fun, isn’t it?

A spontaneous shopping trip last night and I returned home with 1 cotton blue shirt, 2 100% cotton business shirts, and 6 pairs of thin business socks for him. The intention was only to get the business shirts but the service staff threw in the socks and the shirt into the package and on top of that, I’ve also become a lifetime member with Crocodile and was given a huge discount because they keyed in the wrong amount for one of the shirts.

Of course, I’m not telling any of the staff about the latter.

It was a good thing Raoul was closed early last evening because I don’t think I am capable of bagging such a good deal unless I’m Xtralicious who can ahem, command Raoul to open specially for them.

Heh.

Men need romancing just like women too and I drop these little treats every two months or so.

It’s a good thing he’s comfortable in his own skin and doesn’t find it gay that I do stuff like that although he doesn’t understand why I do not pass it to him personally, instead preferring to either drop it off before he enters the office or through my dispatch.

It’s the surprise element honey and if you’re observant enough, I usually drop them off on Mondays.

Well, because they all call it stormy Monday..