Sunshin3

How now, brown cow?

I’ve got ten days of annual leave to clear before I commence work with the Americans next month. Not many in the office have heard about my resignation although those who are aware are making a great big deal about it.

It’s quite sad that for the first time, I’m actually quite at a loss of how to utilize my annual leave and Old boy, always the thoughtful one, was planning a trip out over the weekend for the both of us.

Well, that was before we realize that he was due to travel to China next week for business.

Bummer, I hear some of you say.

We are still going away except we’re cutting the trip short to enable him more time to pack for his business trip.

I do acknowledge that I am a little disappointed but I don’t want to rush him to stick to the original travel schedule and commit the same mistake that I did with someone else a few years back.

It’s not about being understanding because if I was understanding, I would have scrapped the trip altogether.

As much as I would have loved to follow him to China, he seemed a little reluctant because it is obvious that he cannot commit time for me, not that I mind as long as I get to snooze beside him. Moreover, I could pop by to Hong Kong if I wanted to or to Shanghai to see some of my clients.

Point is, I’m a sucker for freebies and if accommodation is paid for, I’ll jump at the slightest chance.

Heh.

Jokes aside, I am every bit capable of feeling lonely and once he leaves for China, I won’t get to see him, much less hear from him for the next two weeks. Not sure if I can manage that long honestly.

Even with Dave coming by from Australia to visit me, I’m still not so sure.

I have no more energy left to even want to think, much less blog about it.

Old boy’s been having mood swings of late.

He was awfully quiet last night and hostile to a certain extent, unlike the night before when I was in his arms.

To say the least, I am emotionally disturbed as a result.

Yet, the reasons and well justified too, only occurred to me this morning.

What an oof I am.

“The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.
- Peter De Vries”

One of the greatest principles that I have learnt from Myles Munroe is to give men the respect they need as a male and to respect the decisions that he makes as a man of the household. It’s not easy when you’re so used to wanting things done your way because YOU think that it’s effective.

The classic example was the hooks but hey, I learn and that’s good.

It’s really thanks to books from Gary Smalley, John Trent, and Gary Chapman to name a few, that I’m here where I am and well, thanks to the relationship that I had with George too.

He was the catalyst that sparked the loss of my self-worth as a woman.

If not for him, I wouldn’t have gone seeking and would have probably waited till I was married and having problems.

I know that I would probably be seen as deluded because Old boy isn’t mine and implementing the principles that I have been taught would not have been advisable.

To that, I can only say that I am selfish. Hence, another reason why this post is password protected.

You have no idea that whenever I see Old boy, I am reminded of another important person in my life that is worth cherishing and loving. Nothing else matters more than his happiness and stability to me and I am committed to meeting his needs despite the irony.

I am sure he finds it weird too that I’m reading marriage counselling books because we’re not married and there’s no guarantee of anything.

Whilst that might be the case, I reiterate that I am being selfish and I think Old boy also knows that.

It has certainly not been easy trying to keep my expectations in check because Old boy is such a wonderful boyfriend. He honours me, makes me feel important in his life and treats me with such tenderness that it leaves me hungry for more. Living with him has just made it harder to let go.

The ever thoughtful one mentioned this before, “Do things for me only because you want to and not because you have to.”

And I want to improve my understanding of communication and relationships because I value you in my life.

Being simple has its drawbacks.

The biggest drawback being, you don’t really know what you want. Even when I thought I wanted to catch a movie over the weekend with him, I realize I was really much happier assisting him with his work.

Besides, it is a logical explanation:-

Less stressed boyfriend => Happier boyfriend => Effective communication between couple.

These days, it’s much easier to spot when something’s bothering him like this morning, when he woke up. He was awfully quiet unlike the times we talked while we cuddled in bed.

But I won’t probe because someone wise once told me this about men.

If they want to tell you, they will.

Like what one of my brothers said, “You’re only coming 20?”

Four more days to my birthday and I am still one year away from investing my cpf monies, opening a trading/SRS account, applying for an actual credit card etc.

Everything’s wonderful at this moment except for my age.

Actually, to think about it, I’m not very young anymore.

We were discussing my education plans for the future the other day and I was telling him that I have not strayed away from my desire to complete an Accountancy degree as well as a professional Law degree. There’s also a thirst for a counselling/psychology degree but that’s not appropriate for now.

As intakes have closed for the Accountancy degree programme with UOL/ICPAS/SAA this year, I would only be able to apply for it next year. By the time I actually complete it, I would be 25 and thereon, I will embark on my graduate law degree with NUS preferably which will take another 3 years.

Add on another six months of pupilage, and I’ll be 29 by the time I enter the legal profession.

So the plans are there but the next step would obviously be the financial means to that end.

The jury is out.

Understanding my emotions has never been easy for me, much less articulating them out but I have learnt in the course of my writing.

For an extreme left brainer, the blog was one of my ways to experiment with emotional connections and for the past two years of intense blog writing, I have managed to get in touch with that.

Through my writings, I saw my own thought process and through my relationships with people, I saw angles that I never knew were possible.

The side effect of it was that I found out how to condition people’s minds and perceptions and the sad part of it too was that I realize we live in a world full of cowardice.

Someone wiser once told me before that we’re all judgmental freaks from young but I refused to believe it until I dealt with it.

As I come to a close, I have to admit that he was right.

Believe it or not, my writings were purposely paced in such a way that it dealt with extremes. From writing about God and living the life for Him to a sudden disengagement and writing about sex, I have faced backlash and I know of many who cannot reconcile with what they have read and with me being me.

Many bloggers write about their personal experiences and it is like an outflow of motivation as they have that experience to tap into it but for someone whose emotional reception is impaired since young, can she really fully understand what others are going through and be able to write it out for them with the same intensity as they went through?

To illustrate further, you drink water from the tap because that’s where water comes out from. If you don’t even have the means to the water, can you possibly get the water to drink?

I can put myself in other people’s shoes. It’s not a problem but am I able to safely say that I really understand innately their emotional state when I cannot even guarantee my own feelings towards my personal matters?

The blog doesn’t make us who we are and time and time again, I have always reiterated that human interaction is vital to maintain any relationship and not everything written is truthful in its right. If we know that what we see on tv isn’t real, why can’t we adopt the same approach towards blogs?

I rest my case.

Nevertheless, this experiment has also shed light on our defensive mechanisms.

The majority of the Singaporeans in particular, avoid communication if very much possible. Instead of being vocal and inquisitive like our counterparts overseas, we shun human interaction and if there is anything outwardly differently, we don’t query. We much prefer hiding behind the screens of technology and we call that mature because we’re ignoring a potential rise of conflict.

It’s just a crappy excuse.

If it is a relationship that matters to you, why should you avoid conflict? Do you keep quiet if your loved one hurts you?

You don’t right?

So why is it that difficult to just pop up a chat even and communicate?

I always appreciated some of my close friends whom I know, would pick up the phone and give me a holler or email me if they spotted anything different on the blog. That’s called friendship, that’s a relationship and that’s also maturity because it indicates a brain and a desire for truth.

If we cannot even deal with conflict that arises through the net to begin with, how can we deal with interpersonal conflicts?

I have said enough and I have written enough.

And as I head on to my next writing project (an autobiography), I know that I have understood a richer level of human emotions to write it out.

God bless this process.

Amen.

His words echoed and forever etched in my mind.

Part of me feels that the meet-up was a mistake. He was still playing the same mind games, the games that once hurt my psychological and emotional state.

And I thought that one year apart could do the both of us good.

Out of the four, he is the only one whom I am more familiar with for we were ex-school mates and he should theoretically stand a higher chance yet when his hand caressed my cheek, I realize that it was over.

It felt empty.

“I’m sorry, I cannot accept this.”

This time round, there’s no Charlotte affecting me. I make my own decisions.

(more…)

I pushed the blue box aside.

Crystal clear and shiny with its engraving, it was more than just a momento. It signified his intention and the importance to him.

Four men, two marriage proposals, one choice.

And i have made mine.

It’s her last day today and the last days for our ex-colleagues are usually of a celebratory nature but not this time round for me.

Perhaps it’s the heat, or the frustration with the renovations next door or perhaps it’s the knowledge that i’m in a shitty situation.

The kind where when shit happens, they all come at one shot.

And I guess the title is the most appropriate explanation i can derive at this stage.

Let’s hope the weekend makes it better.